


Let Me Live (or let me love you)

by Lily_rizzy



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, dealing with this shit plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-02 23:33:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11519841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lily_rizzy/pseuds/Lily_rizzy
Summary: They sit in silence for a little while after that, each lost in thought. Robert is just about to make his excuses to go when Aaron surprises him by asking, "Would you do it again?"Robert blinks, "What do you mean?""If you were given a chance to go back, would you want to start things with me again? I mean, seeing what a mess we made, I didn't know…" Aaron trails off.ORRobert and Aaron meet again 5 years later.





	Let Me Live (or let me love you)

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know what this is, but the idea wouldn't leave me alone. Hope you enjoy.

It's funny how time works, in the end.    
  
Robert had been right when he said he wouldn't be able to cope without Aaron. When he had finally returned to the village he only affirmed what was said before he left. It was over and Robert needed to move out and move on. After months of begging Aaron to change his mind, pleading with him that he needed Aaron, that they both needed each other, Aaron told him he was moving away, for good.    
  
By text.  
  
By the time Robert had rushed to their house, it was already packed up, save for boxes full of Roberts belongings he had refused to collect, piled neatly on the drive. Aaron was gone, and with him were all traces of their former life.    
  
A week later Robert received a check in the post for half the money the Mill had sold for. When Diane had seen it she told him that was that; it was definitely over now and he needed to get a grip and start preparing to be a dad.  
  
He never cashed the stupid thing.  
  
Instead, he began texting and calling Aaron. First, they were despairing messages pleading with Aaron to just _come home_ and let Robert fix this. When those went ignored they become messages pleading with him to just say _anything_. After 6 months, he got used to silence.

He began sending Aaron messages telling him about his day, asking him about his, despite his questions going unanswered. He would send Aaron pictures of nerdy stuff he found hilarious, that he knew used to make Aaron lovingly roll his eyes at him and tut. He would tell him when he was feeling sad, lost, frightened. He would share memories of the two of them that sprang to his mind when something reminded him of Aaron.    
  
_Remember that fire extinguisher fight we had? I miss laughing with you._  
  
It had struck him then how close to **the end** that happy memory had been. Had Aaron really left him two days later? It felt impossible that a memory that made him ache for Aaron had been at a time when they were both in so much pain. Maybe it was true, what people said about always remembering the past as happier than it was.    
  
Or maybe Robert had just been desperate for any part of Aaron he could grasp back then.    
  
For two years, Robert text Aaron and received nothing until one day he did.    
  
_The number you are messaging has been disconnected. Please, try again._  
  
Robert had been shocked, had felt his stomach plummet into the concrete ground below him. How could Aaron leave him with nothing, no way to talk to him? Didn't he care at all?    
  
He had rung Aarons number straight away, only to hear the same message play in some operator's frustratingly cheery voice. Robert threw his phone against the wall and smashed it to bits. The shards of broken glass littering the floor brought back a different kind of memory.  
  
He begged Adam for Aaron's new phone number, but he wouldn't budge. He begged Victoria to find it for him but she had simply given him a sad smile, reminded him that it had been two years and that he had his son to focus on now. He had to try and move on.    
  
(He had taken to fatherhood surprisingly well. It had been a welcomed the distraction from the hollowness in his chest, even though it had partly been the cause of it. But he loved his son and he was determined not to _fuck up_ the last thing he seemingly had left.)    
  
So, he was forced to try harder.  
  
He went through the motions, made his new flat actually habitable instead of living out of boxes he assumed he would one day move back home, to Aaron's. He tried harder at work, got back into his smug business man persona. He even went on a few dates, but that quickly stopped, replaced by casual sex instead. He couldn't shake the feeling of _guilt_ every time he sat opposite a stranger at dinner and told them how old he was and what he did for a living, like he was cheating on Aaron all over again. The sex, however, was like itching a scratch. He saw it as a necessity to get rid of the thrum of desire burning under his skin each time it had been a while. Yet, when they showed an interest in more, he found himself quickly cutting ties.    
  
But, for the most part, he slowly felt himself creeping back to become the person he once was. Like slipping back into comfortable, well-worn shoes, he became happier each day. Not the same version of happy he had been with Aaron, but a new version. Different, but not completely bad.    
  
 

* * *

  
  
So when Robert sees Aaron alone in a pub in Hotten for the first time in nearly 5 years, he is both surprised and dismayed that the sight causes his heart to speed up and a desire to take hold of him so completely he feels like he may fall to his knees and vomit at the same time.    
  
_Oh God, I still want you,_ is the first coherent thought he can manage.     
  
 He looks good. It strikes Robert how similar he still looks to the smiling Aaron in their wedding photo Robert keeps in his bedside drawer at home, both their wedding rings resting in the box carefully on top. Aaron is gorgeous, even 5 years older and approaching 30. He has the same strong, broad shoulders, the same soft eyes, and hard jaw. Robert is rather unpleasantly conscious then of his own age. He wonders, momentarily, will Aaron still find him attractive or even recognise him but he quickly pushes these thoughts angrily from his mind. He's being ridiculous, pathetic. How much can he have changed in just 5 years and what did it matter now, anyway?  
  
Sure, he's a little thinner. It had taken a lot out of him in the early days just to eat a full meal and so he has gotten into a few strange food habits.    
  
He considers leaving, not saying anything, to further prove to himself that it truly was over.  Instead, a burning desire to hear Aaron's voice again makes him walk towards him. Before he truly knows what he was doing, what he is thinking, he is stood in front of Aaron, looking him in the eye for the first time in half a decade.    
  
"Aaron," he breathes.    
  
Aaron does nothing to hide the variety of emotions that dance across his face before it settles on naked shock.    
  
"Robert," he says, almost a question as he looks him up and down swiftly. It makes Robert feel exposed and does nothing to help the strange sense of desire spreading through him.    
  
"It been a long time," is all Robert could manage.    
  
Aaron just nods. For a heart sinking moment, Robert thinks that's all he's going to get after 5 years apart. But then tentatively Aaron asks, "Do you want to join me for a drink?"    
  
It's Robert turn to only nod in reply. It's strange to him, struggling so much to talk to someone who's conversations he once couldn't picture his life without. Then again, they had always struggled with communication. Robert has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep himself from scoffing at the thought.    
  
"How's your son?" Aaron asks cautiously. Robert's more than a little surprised that this is the first thing Aaron brings up, but he tries to bring a bright smile to his face, knows that it took a lot for Aaron to ask.   
  
"He's great. Just turned 4 actually, in December."   
  
Aaron nods but doesn't say anything again until he asks in an unsure voice, "What's his name?"   
  
"Jack Lawrence," he answers, "after my dad and-" he stops. He doesn't want to rub it in Aaron's face that that baby is as much Rebecca's as it is his. He doesn't want to reopen old wounds.   
  
Aaron nods again, a small smile on his face. Robert knows exactly what he's thinking, or rather, what memory is running through his brain now.   
  
_If we ever have kids, Aaron, I want to name the boy after my dad._  
  
It had been a conversation they had just before they got married when they had both been so sure that forever was a certainty and not just a goal. Making plans for the future had been a second nature then, now it seemed almost a joke in retrospect. As unlikely to have ever happened as the seas running dry.   
  
"I'm glad you got to be part of his life. I'm sure you're a great dad, Robert."   
  
We could have done it together, Robert wants to say but knows he can't. He knows that it had been unfair, to have expected Aaron to stay. But he _had_. He had always believed that he and Aaron could overcome anything, and yet here they were, 5 years later and struggling for common ground.  
  
"Thanks," is all he says.   
  
Aaron turns back to his beer, fiddling with the label wrapped around the neck. It's then that Robert notices his hands.  
  
"You're married?" He can't hold it back, it bursts from him, almost an accusation.  
  
Aaron's eyes glance down at his ring finger that has a simple, silver band. He smiles, almost shyly when his eyes meet Roberts,  
  
"Not yet. We're getting married in a few months."   
  
Robert feels sick, feels like the room has suddenly become a spinning fairground ride and he wants to get. off. now.   
  
He chokes down the first ridiculous protest that comes to mind, a, _how can you be getting married to someone else, you're meant to be married to me._  
  
Aaron can clearly see the reaction this information has on him because he goes straight into defensive mode,  
  
"We didn't meet until a few years after you and me."   
  
His eyes are hard and he looks ready for a fight, to prove to Robert once again that he was always the faithful one.   
  
Robert doesn't want a fight, not this fight, not again. What he does want to do is rip the ring of Aarons' finger and scream at him, _no one will ever love you like I do._    
  
"Aaron, I'm just glad you're happy." is what he says, instead.   
  
Aaron looks skeptical.    
  
"Right well... you found anyone?" He asks.    
  
Robert wants to tell Aaron that he has never found anyone that came close to Aaron, man or women, even still. That the thought of settling down with anyone else other than Aaron felt wrong on a primal level, like Aaron was in his bones, in his blood.  
  
_I've never had this with anyone else._  
  
Clearly, Aaron had found it again.   
  
"No, I'm not with anyone." He answers, shaking his head.    
  
Aaron gives him a funny look like he doesn't quite believe him. It feels almost laughable that they still have this trust problem.    
  
"What, don't believe me?" Robert asks, feeling that it's his turn to get defensive.  
  
Aaron holds up his hands quickly as if surrendering, "No it's not that. I just-" he breaks off.    
  
"What?" Pushes Robert, desperate for a _real_ fucking conversation, not this polite small talk.    
  
Aaron bites his bottom lip. Robert's ashamed by how much the image makes his blood sing, how much it makes him _want._  
  
"I always assumed you would give it a go with Rebecca. You know, be a proper family." Aaron speaks softly, causing Robert to drag his eyes from Aarons' mouth to laugh in his face.     
  
"After all the fighting I did for us, do you really think I would go anyone near her again?" He asks. It's not an accusation, just incredulous. They had always been so in love with each other and yet so unable to see it.    
  
"Yeah, I'm sorry, that was unfair," Aaron mumbles his reply, pulling his sleeves down over his hands.  
  
"It's alright." Robert smiles sadly at him, trying to catch his eye again. Robert wants to reach out, take Aaron's hands in his own and show him that he's still _Aaron's_ Robert and demand that Aaron declares the same.    
  
He bites down hard on his tongue to stop the words, _I miss you,_ falling from his lips.  
  
"Does your new fella'… does he treat you right?" He asks instead. He's torturing himself by asking, but he can't stop himself, like picking at a scab until you make it bleed.    
  
Aaron lets a small smile light his face.  
  
"Alex, he's great. He's good for me."    
  
Robert is glad he's spared him the gory details but the words _good for me_ feel like a punch in the throat. He and Aaron have never been _good for each other_ that's what had made their love feel so raw.    
  
He nods but can't bring himself to say he's glad, he can't lie to Aaron.    
  
They sit in silence for a little while after that, each lost in thought. Robert is just about to make his excuses to go when Aaron surprises him by asking, "Would you do it again?"    
  
Robert blinks, "What do you mean?"    
  
"If you were given a chance to go back, would you want to start things with me again? I mean, seeing what a mess we made, I didn't know…" Aaron trails off.    
  
"Yes," Robert answers firmly, meeting his eyes. He can see his adamant words have startled Aaron, as he continues, "every time I would do it again, Aaron. You were-" but he can't finish. _You were the best mistake I ever made._ Aaron nods like he knows, and for a moment his eyes grow watery, but a few blinks and it's gone. "I best be going," Aaron says and drains the last of his beer.    
  
"Yeah, me too."    
  
Aaron surprises Robert by pulling him in for a hug when they both got to their feet. Robert is almost angry, to be given a chance to hold Aaron again and know that this really may be the last time.  
  
He smells the same and it takes all of Roberts strength not to bury his face into Aaron's hair.  
  
He wonders if he will play this last touch over and over like he did with Aaron's last kiss on his cheek.    
  
Aaron pulls away first, and before Robert knows it he's telling Robert to take care of himself, turning and leaving.    
  
Robert turns too but he can't seem to get his feet to move. Something feels so wrong, walking away having left so much unsaid. It's unsatisfactory, he has so many questions and yet he feels like he can't ask them because _I'm the one that cheated, I ruined this,_ but Aaron had fucked up too. They had both hurt each other. He feels angry, like Aaron owes him more.    
  
"Aaron, wait!" He shouts, spinning round. He watches Aaron, only a few feet away from him do the same, a wary expression on his face. Robert doesn’t care.    
  
"2 years Aaron. 2 fucking years, I text and call you. Nothing? Except for one day, a message saying you've changed your number? You leave, don't tell me where you've gone, if you're okay. If it hadn’t been for Adam I wouldn’t even know if you were alive."    
  
Aaron has the shame to look guiltily at the floor.    
  
"I couldn't, Robert." Is his lame reply.    
  
"What, you couldn't drop me text to let me know you were still breathing?" Robert almost screams.    
  
"Robert, it would have been too hard!" Aaron shouts back, pacing towards him. They’re having a shouting match in a pub car park, but Robert can't bring himself to care.    
  
"Too hard for you, you mean."    
  
"Too hard for both of us. One text would have led to more, to meet ups and before we knew it, we'd be back together."    
  
"Would that really be so bad?" Robert asks, lost. "I've been fucking broken without you, Aaron and don't lie and say you haven't been the same." Aaron doesn’t deny it, just runs his hands along his face roughly. "We could be happy. I don't give a toss if that Alex is _good for you,_ it's supposed to be _me,_ Aaron, it's supposed to be _us_."    
  
Robert is crying now, he can't help himself. He can see Aarons' face is streaked with slowly falling tears. He can't stop.     
  
"Aaron, I miss you, I-"    
  
"I know, Robert" Aaron finally breaks in. He was smiling now, a real smile through his tears. "Me too. I always will remember. But I just couldn't do _us_ anymore."    
  
It rips the breath from Roberts' throat, the acknowledgment of all they could have and all they never will. He rubs his fists harshly against harshly against his eye sockets.    
  
"So that’s it, is it?"    
  
Aaron nods. "Bye, Rob." He says and turns again. This time he doesn't look back.  
  
Roberts not ashamed to say he calls after him and tries to make him.    
  
 

* * *

 

/ Epilogue \  
  
   
  
It's two months later when Robert gets a text from an unknown number.    
  
He has felt strange the last few months like he recently lost something so precious again but he's not quite sure what it was.  
  
_13:04 from Unknown_  
  
_Would I be a dick to say I think I was wrong?  am I too late saying that maybe us is exactly what I need?_  
  
Robert can't stop the smile coming to his face, the way his heart beats like a drum in his chest or the tears springing to the back of his eyes.    
  
He types out a reply, _it's always been us_ , and sends.    
  
He begins to think he's not going to get a reply when an hour later one beeps through on his phone.    
  
" _Will you come for a drink? Meet me at 7 pm._ " The next text is an address.    
  
Robert stops himself from typing back, yes, immediately. He knows Aarons trying, this is his way of asking Robert on a date, to try again. But he can make him sweat it out a little bit.    
  
They’ve got a lot of issues to sort through, Robert knows that, yet he can't stop the feeling of hope swelling somewhere dangerously close to his heart inside his chest.    
  
For the first time in 5 years, Robert feels like he can breathe easy. Like he's finally been allowed up for air, after hours of being submerged underwater. Life suddenly seems so livable.    
  
_I can do anything, as long as I've got Aaron. We're going to try again,_ he thinks, and he can't help himself from grinning now.    
  
Roberts never known such a beautiful Tuesday. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed reading! I feel like the only thing I write is angst and I love it haha  
> & also hope people aren't feeling too depressed by this shit show at the moment.  
> Please leave comments and kudos if you can!  
> Much love,  
> Lil  
> x x
> 
> I just started a tumblr   
> [Link text](https://between-twolungs.tumblr.com/)  
> find me here!


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